exploding inside;

This is a personal post, so if you don’t want to read angst feel free to ignore this post. I just need somewhere to let go and type to my heart’s content.

I’ve had a fair share of ups and downs in life. Then again, who hasn’t? Everyone has their good days, and everyone has days where they feel like the world’d be better off without them, or perhaps they’d be better off without the world. Life is the largest rollercoaster in the world, and its twists and turns are many, and not all are enjoyable.

Since my younger days, I’ve always been a slightly more sensitive person when it comes to emotions and feelings. I feel more acutely than most, some might even say I’m oversensitive. Guys usually aren’t much of a “sensor” type, meaning they don’t pick up on visual cues, body language and vibes. I’ve always been able to feel these, especially the more negative emotions. I’m easily affected by these vibes, even if I read them wrongly, and it affects my behavior greatly. If I feel a negative vibe from a group of people or a few persons I become closed off, quiet and, as some perceive it, “too cool”.

I’m also a thinker. I hate this facet of my personality, along with my short temper and sometimes tactless replies. I inherited this from my father, and I’m not proud of it. I will end up thinking too deeply into something, and again, it affects my behavior greatly. Overall as a person, I’d like to say I’m an optimist, but deep down, buried deep beneath layers of stubbornness, I’m a pessimist. I gravitate easily to the negative, whether I like it or not. I force myself to be cheerful sometimes, though its obvious I fail dismally at it. Many a times I need to talk to someone about issues that have been churning in my mind constantly, just to get it out of my system, and to let someone else know. This person is sometimes my sister, my mother, never my father. Most of my friends IRL are not reliable on this as well; even the small group I call my brothers, despite my loyalty to them and my pledge that I will do anything, even fight to the death for them, do not know me on an emotional level. More so for friends I meet online. None of them understand the real Malzias; I think most of them see me as a clown of sorts, due to my constant stream of lame jokes and antics. All they’ve ever seen is a facade, a side of me that everyone knows. I think there’s probably only one person, whom I consider a friend and who I met online, knows me slightly better than everyone else.

Some of you might know that I’m attached. Yes, amazing as it seems, this insane BlazBlue addict has a second half. It happened awhile ago, about two weeks into my enlistment into the Army. She’s my first, and naturally, I shower her with as much love and affection as I can muster. I don’t do it expecting anything in return, but sometimes it’d be nice to get something back. I’m not saying she doesn’t reciprocate, but sometimes I just don’t feel it. Maybe I’m expecting too much, or maybe she thinks I’m smothering her.

I’ll never know, because she’ll never tell.

From the numerous battles that my parents have waged in my years on this earth, I have understood that communicating with one another is essential to living together in harmony. Even if there are conflicting ideas, talking about them will eventually lead to a solution, or at least a compromise. I may not be the best at it, but for a start I know that its important to communicate. Especially about anything particularly bothersome.

We recently fell out of the honeymoon phase, and the transition was pretty abrupt. Problems that I was blind to before came up, but since most were minor, I held silence, perhaps unwisely, to avoid conflict. There are two troubling matters now, things that could really escalate and go out of hand, and I want to resolve them once and for all in a way that we can both agree on.

The main flaw in this plan is that she isn’t the kind who would sit down for a proper talk on these matters, unless I approach it from a proper standpoint, and when we’re both in positive moods. One of the “troubling matters” is this; that I can’t really speak with her about these things, and if anything’s bothering her, she won’t tell me. I’ve told you about my belief in communication, and I want to know if anything is wrong. “Maybe she feels you’re prying too much?” you say. True, that may be the case. But I strongly feel that even if you feel I’m prying, you should tell me about it, because what affects you will affect me, whether you want it to or not.

Something happened recently, just yesterday in fact, and its already eating me up inside. We had our first big fight about the second issue as mentioned above, and we made up yesterday. Everything seemed okay, if a wee bit tense, and we had a quiet Christmas with two closer friends. I did note that she seemed rather tired, and quieter than usual. She attributed it to exhaustion, and I accepted that reason, because she really did seem tired. But later that night something happened, and I’m not sure what. I ask her about it, but she refuses to tell me, saying that its her problem and not something I need to know about. I sent her a text in the morning, and she didn’t even reply. She acts as though everything is okay, when I know there’s something wrong. Things like this can send my thoughts into overdrive, and send me into a contemplative depression.

The second matter is something that I’ve already pointed out to her, and I don’t really feel like discussing it, since the matter’s been somewhat resolved, and I’m waiting to test my resolve on this matter. Perhaps in due time.

All of these are not things that’re pleasant to keep bottled up. Add the factor that I’m still deeply, madly in love with her, and the feelings are multiplied tenfold, perhaps even hundredfold. I’m probably sitting on the edge of depression right now, what with all the things that happen in my workplace. I need someone who’s there for me, who I can talk to, who will share everything with me, and I want her to be the one. But I wonder… does she feel the same?

If you read through this, congratulations, you understand me a little more now.

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